


Growing Pains

by Anonymous



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Age Play Little Keith (Voltron), Age Regression/De-Aging, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Autistic Keith (Voltron), Bed-Wetting, Childhood Trauma, Confusion, Consent Issues, Corpses, Cramps, Death, Delusions, Diapers, Gender Dysphoria, Gore, Growing Pains, Hormones, Keith (Voltron) Has Abandonment Issues, Lance (Voltron) Has ADHD, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mood Swings, No Sex, Non-Sexual Age Play, Nudity, Pain, Psychosis, Regret, Self-Hatred, Tags May Change, Trans Male Keith (Voltron), Transitioning, Wetting, again it's only mentioned at one point but it's there, amab language, and there are warnings at the beginning of that chapter (chapter 3), caregiver lance, except for internal organs briefly, mentions of sex and masturbation, neurodivergent author, no afab terms, no one actually dies but psychotic episodes aren't fun, only briefly in one scene but still, sensory issues, trans author
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-02-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:01:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22625992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Keith was so excited to finally start taking testosterone, but now that he's on it, he finds that his sensory processing issues and underlying mental illness are making many of the changes difficult to handle.He's been slipping into littlespace more frequently lately as well, the first major hormonal shift in years adding to the feeling of being younger and in need of more comfort and guidance. Luckily, Lance is there to take care of him.
Relationships: Keith/Lance (Voltron)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 119
Collections: Anonymous





	1. Day One

**Author's Note:**

> No age regression in this short first chapter, but the rest will have it.
> 
> (All the changes in here are actually based on what I've been experiencing the past few days lol. I have sensory processing issues from ADHD, plus a ton of mental illnesses that run in my family, so it's been a wild fucking ride. I've been dealing with dysphoria for 5+ years and denial failed repeatedly to make it go away, but holy shit my body and brain do NOT like the shifting hormones one bit lmao)

“How are you feeling?” Lance asked, putting an arm around Keith as they headed out of the doctor’s office.

He’d just gotten his first testosterone shot, and _holy shit he was really doing this—_ “Okay.” Keith smiled. “I mean, a little weird, and nervous, but okay. For now.”

“Don’t worry so much.” Pausing on their way to the car to hold Keith close and kiss the top of his head, Lance tried to reassure him. “This is gonna be so good for you, baby. You’ve been wanting this for years. Just let yourself enjoy it, okay?”

Keith gave him a small smile as they pulled apart. “I’ll try.”

——————————

“Everything smells really intense,” Keith said after a few minutes in the car. “Do you think it’s from the T?”

Lance shrugged. “I dunno, I’ve never heard of that being a thing.”

“Me neither.” Keith inhaled again, brow furrowed in confusion. “But it’s like, super noticeable. Since I got the shot. It’s so weird.”

“Huh.”

“Yeah, I dunno if I’m imagining it or what, but it definitely feels that way.”

——————————

By the time they arrived at home, Keith was already feeling little twinges in the muscles of his shoulders and upper back. “Lance. Whoa.” He tugged at his boyfriend’s arm. "I think it’s already working on my muscles.”

“Really? Damn, that was quick.”

“Yeah, I know. I didn’t expect it to work that fast, but I can feel little growing pains in some of my muscles already. And I feel a bit more energy and confidence, too.”

“Wow. That’s awesome.”

Taking his hand, Keith gave a dazzling smile. “Yeah.”

They headed inside for dinner.

——————————

That night, as they were cuddling on the couch, Lance snuggled in close to Keith and then sat bolt upright in surprise. “Whoa. Baby—”

_Oh god what did I do wrong why is he mad at me—_

But Lance just smiled, lovingly tracing his fingertips across Keith’s jawline, stroking gently at his cheek. “You smell different already.”

“Really?” Truth be told, he _had_ noticed a difference too, but hadn’t been sure if he could trust his hyperactive senses on the matter.

“Definitely.”

“Is it good?” he asked, suddenly nervous.

“Well, I _love_ it…” Lance pulled him in close, burying his face in Keith’s neck and resting there for a moment. Keith ran a gentle hand through his hair, scratching softly at the back of his neck, and his boyfriend shivered with pleasure at the affection. When they finally pulled apart, Lance added, “But it does mean you’re probably gonna have to shower more often. You’re gonna start sweating more, and the smell will be more noticeable.”

Keith groaned. He had such a hard time motivating himself to shower as it was.

“It’ll be okay, baby.” A mischievous grin appeared on Lance’s face. “Hey, if you need an extra incentive, I can always come in with you.”

Keith laughed, and Lance joined in. “Oh my god.” Blushing faintly, he added, “I might have to take you up on that.”

“Hey. Look at me?”

Blush deepening and spreading into his ears, Keith met his boyfriend’s eyes.

“It’s so cute when you get all shy.”

Keith had always had difficulty with social cues, and the humiliation his constant awkwardness had brought had led him to ultimately give up and withdraw from his peers. Couple that with Lance having been his first boyfriend, and he never knew how to talk about anything sexual without getting habitually flustered.

It was comforting when Lance called it cute, though. It made Keith feel like he wasn’t weird or unattractive or a _freak_ , and he certainly needed that reassurance in just about every area of his life.

“Love you,” he said sleepily, curling into his boyfriend’s chest.

Lance combed gently through Keith’s hair with his fingers as the other man snuggled peacefully against him, clearly ready to sleep already. It had been an exciting, nerve-wracking day, after all. “Love you too, baby.”


	2. Day Two

Keith woke up with his brain feeling oddly… foggy. It was as though he couldn’t think quite as clearly.

Was he damaging his brain? Had all those fear-mongering, biased articles actually been _right_ about how dangerous this was? Was he going to die, or worse, lose himself and become a completely different person?

It felt like there was a wall up in his head, something blocking him from thinking as quickly. He found himself struggling to find the right words for things over the next couple of hours, and eventually curled back up in his bed to sob, utterly panicking.

When he finally made himself dry the tears and sit up, his brain registered surprise.

_What the hell was that?_

Keith hadn’t cried at all in years, let alone so intensely. He’d trained himself not to a long time ago.

Barely able to muster the energy for it, he sent Lance a quick text: _panic help pls._

Not a minute later, there was a soft knock at his door.

“Come in,” he croaked feebly, and Lance did, rushing over to sit beside him as soon as he’d shut the door.

“Hey, sweetie. What’s going on?”

At that, Keith felt his little side growing stronger. He couldn’t let it take over just yet, though— he had to tell Lance what was wrong first.

“I think… I think I’m going crazy. Or losing my cognitive abilities. I’ve read things saying T can do that—”

“Baby,” Lance said firmly, and Keith shivered, clinging to him instinctively, “what have we said about believing everything you read on the internet?”

“I know.” Keith sighed, trying to remain collected enough to explain. “It wasn’t just biased transphobic stuff, though. There’s actual studies. I saw one about how it can make you lose verbal fluency skills, they did actual tests… and stuff about how it can maybe make symptoms of autism worse too, and— and I feel like I can’t think as clearly today. It definitely feels like it’s connected to the testosterone, but I don’t know why it would happen so _soon_.” His voice broke. “I don’t wanna die. Everything hurts, too. I don’t want this to kill me or ruin my life and I— I—”

“Shh, it’s okay.” Lance held him close, rocking slightly to calm him. “Take some deep breaths, okay, honey? We’re gonna figure this out. I promise you’re gonna be alright. I’m gonna make sure you’re safe.”

They were both quiet for a moment.

“Lance?” Keith asked hesitantly.

“Yeah, baby?”

“Can I— can I be little right now?”

“Of course, sweetie! You know that’s okay any time, right? Just let me know and I’m always here to take care of you.”

Keith hugged Lance tightly as the last of his inhibition fell away. He was safe. It was gonna be okay. He didn’t have to think right now, he could just relax and let Lance take care of things.

“Is there anything you wanted to do right now, sweetheart?”

He considered for a moment. “Movie?”

“Sure, that sounds great! Wanna come get some snacks from the kitchen with me, and then we can pick one out?”

Keith nodded. “Blankets too?”

“Oh, of course! Yeah, we can grab a bunch of pillows and blankets and make a little nest on the couch…” He tapped his chin exaggeratedly in thought. “And if you want, we can make a fort after the movie.”

“Yeah!”

Lance smiled. “Alright, baby. Let’s go get everything set up.”

Once they did, it was cozy and perfect, and Keith felt so protected and cared for. Before the end of the movie, he had fallen asleep in Lance’s arms.

——————————

Keith woke up with a very full bladder, squirming already in discomfort.

Lance was asleep with his arms around him. He didn’t want to wake him up, but he also didn’t want to pee on him— what was he supposed to do?

He was still too little to clearly think through the situation or maintain control, and before he knew what was happening, it was coming out. Whimpering, he shoved a hand between his legs and crossed them, trying to stop— but the sudden panic made his need worse, and he was wetting himself on Lance’s lap.

Ashamed and frightened, he pulled away from Lance and jumped to his feet, tears gathering in his eyes as he continued peeing, a small puddle forming around his feet.

He didn’t like the icky feeling on his legs, and felt his frustration growing. He wanted to change, but he needed help. How was Keith going to clean this up? He was going to be in so much trouble…

Luckily, Lance was a heavy sleeper at least some of the time, and it seemed to be one of those times. He had stirred a little at the movement, but didn’t quite wake up.

Unsure of what to do, Keith lay down shamefully on the floor. He should sleep here if he was going to wet the bed. He was disgusting, stupid, couldn’t control himself, needed to act his age…

“Keith?” Lance mumbled drowsily.

_No!_

At the answering noise of distress, Lance quickly awakened fully and came over to see Keith curled up on the floor. “Hey, honey. What happened— oh.”

“Please don’t be mad, I’m so sorry—”

“I’m not mad at all, baby.”

“… Promise?”

“I promise.” He knelt down beside Keith, giving him a hug despite the state he was in. “It’s no big deal. Accidents happen. It isn’t your fault at all, don’t worry about it.”

“I got you all dirty.”

“That’s okay. We’ll both get changed and the clothes will just go in the wash, okay? Just wait here for a sec, I’ll go get you some dry clothes.” He hesitated. “Do you think you need a diaper?”

“No,” he said quickly.

“Okay, then.” Lance didn’t argue, trusting Keith to know what would be best for himself. “I’ll be right back.”

_You idiot why can’t you just grow up fast enough— why can’t you be old enough already— they aren’t here to protect you anymore and you need to be the adult from now on so stop acting like a child—_

But he _had_ been a child. He just hadn’t been allowed to be.

Now Lance was letting him. Lance was keeping him safe, giving him the space he needed to use his weird coping mechanism, and Keith suddenly felt terribly guilty for taking advantage of that kindness.

What the fuck was he doing?

Leaping to his feet, he stripped off his dripping pants and ran to the bathroom to clean himself up, then up to his room to quickly put on some dry pants and underwear, then off to throw his dirty clothes in the laundry room, and back to the living room to clean up his mess.

Lance came back with a washcloth and some comfy-looking pants. “Oh. Hey, no, you don’t need to do that, baby. I said I would—”

“It’s fine,” he snapped. “Just don’t make me feel any worse. Let me deal with it and forget it ever happened.”

“Keith,” he said sternly, “it’s fine if you aren’t in littlespace anymore, but that doesn’t mean you have to clean everything up. You’ve had a hard day. Let me help you out, okay?”

“I’m a fucking adult, I shouldn’t be pissing myself like a five-year-old! Hell, I shouldn’t be _acting_ like a five-year-old! I can’t believe you let me do this. Let me put all this shit on you, knowing that one day it’s going to make you hate me…” The anger had rapidly dissolved into tears. “Don’t enable me to be a shitty person. It’s not your fault I never got the chance to be a child at the right time, and I shouldn’t make you put up with this bullshit. That ship has sailed, that opportunity is gone, and I need to grow up and realize that instead of acting like a fucking baby a—”

“Keith, I’m not ‘putting up with’ you, I _love_ you! And I want to do this because one, it helps you and you fucking _deserve help_ , and two, I actually _like_ taking care of you. You’re cute when you’re little, just like when you aren’t but in a different way… and it’s nice, it’s a bit of an escape for me too. It’s no big deal for me to handle little problems like this, okay? I wouldn’t do this for you if I hated it, baby. I enjoy it, and I love you so much.”

He managed a deep, ragged breath, struggling to remind himself that it was alright, that he could trust his boyfriend. “Okay.”

“Can I help you clean up?”

“I love you too,” he replied, mind still on Lance’s previous statements and needing a second to catch up. “And… ugh, fine, I guess, if you really have to.”

“Good to hear.” Lance smiled, then hesitated for a moment. “Are you feeling any better? Mentally?”

Keith offered a weak smile in return. “Yeah, a bit. Still shaky and very moody, but I’ll manage. It’s not as bad as earlier.”

“That’s good.” Lance leaned in for a quick kiss, and Keith returned it eagerly. “Noticing any other changes?”

“Just my thigh being really sore from the injection, and a bit of acne and some ingrown hairs and more sweatiness.” He laughed. “You’re gonna have to show me some of your skincare routine.”

Lance lit up at that, grinning. “Oh, I’d be happy to. Anytime.”

“I bet you would.”

“Skincare is important, Keith.”

“But it takes _forever_.”

“Well, you don’t have to do _everything_ I do.”

“I suppose.” He sighed affectionately. “Fair enough.”

“Anything else?”

“Oh, uh… well, there is one other thing. It’s sort of… uh...”

“You can tell me anything, babe,” Lance said sincerely, careful not to laugh or make him feel weird about his shyness.

“I uh, earlier…” _You have sex with him on a regular basis; for fuck’s sake, just spit it out._ “Earlier, I uh… had my first male orgasm. It was different from before, and, uh…”

“Oh, wow! That’s exciting.”

“Yeah.”

“How are you feeling about it? Was it, like, better or nah?”

“I, uh… I’m not sure I could pick a better one since they’re pretty different and obviously both feel really good, but I liked it. I think mainly it’s shorter but more intense, and stuff like that…”

“Well, that’s something we can definitely have some fun with, baby.” He smiled. “Whenever you feel up to it.”

Keith grinned. “Sounds good to me. Oh, and one more thing— I’m fucking _starving_. Can we have dinner soon?” His appetite had always been rather high, but now it was even more so than usual.

“Hell yeah. I’m pretty hungry too.”

“Awesome.”

Both of them smiled at each other for a long moment, content to just sit there gazing into each other’s eyes.

“One more kiss first?”

Keith was more than happy to oblige, pulling Lance in close with a ferocity that had the other trembling and clinging needily to him for a change. “Love you so much.”

“Love you too.” Lance grinned as he stood up and extended a hand to help Keith to his feet. “Now, let’s go eat.”


	3. Day Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for mentions of gore/death in the first scene, and slight consent issues with chest touching in the second.

Keith was beginning to regret messing with his hormone balance.

Not that he didn’t want the good changes… but he had always been incredibly hypersensitive both to medications and to internal bodily sensations, and it seemed this was no different. The slightest changes in his brain chemistry could either send his mood spiraling for weeks or leave him on top of the world, and every little twinge in his body was felt tenfold.

Shit, this felt like puberty had the first time. Rage and frustration and sobs and crazy fucking mood swings, growing pains and ingrown hairs… It was all too much of a throwback to a time when he’d been struggling terribly— and had very little help getting through it, at least until Shiro came along. Even then, though, Keith had been going through female puberty at the time, so either way he’d wound up dealing with scary and upsetting changes pretty much on his own.

He supposed although being trans had been one reason he’d hated it the first time around, sensory sensitivity was likely another— and that one still applied no matter whether he looked forward to the ultimate result or not.

As it turned out, mental illness was a reason as well.

That morning, Keith was feeling alright— better than yesterday, at least— and went for a walk. Things seemed okay for a little while, but after perhaps half an hour, suddenly he began noticing very dark thoughts.

That log looked like a dismembered, decapitated corpse. There were so many of them littered by the roadside… some of them children…

_WHAT._

_What in the actual goddamn fuck._

Keith needed to not fucking be alone right now, he needed someone there. No time to walk home— he sprinted for the nearest restaurant.

Thoughts of gore and death still swirled in his brain— _why?_ He’d been fine, and suddenly he felt horrible inside. Miserable. Sick. What the _fuck_ was going on?

He hadn’t… hadn’t actually hallucinated dead bodies, exactly. But he’d felt as though they were there in place of harmless everyday objects, even though his eyes hadn’t physically seen anything out of the ordinary. Felt a deep sense of foreboding and gruesome evil against the everyday blue-gray sky and green-gray grass and cracked sidewalks of snowless winter. He still felt like something was very, very wrong, and he couldn’t quite place what, which made him feel even worse.

Keith ordered a sandwich and sat alone at a table, scrolling aimlessly on his phone so as to _not think_ about anything. He texted Lance to see if he could pick him up afterward, not wanting to be alone again.

He didn’t know if his boyfriend would see it, as he might be sleeping in late— neither of them could ever keep anything close to a normal, consistent sleep schedule— but he could hope.

Thankfully, Lance did answer: _be there in 10 baby, hang in there <3._

He must’ve allowed Keith, specifically, to get through at any time, as he certainly wouldn’t leave his constant-notification-getting phone fully on during his beauty sleep, and that simultaneously warmed Keith’s heart and made him feel guilty.

As he ate, he noticed that he kept dropping his fork and spilling food, much more so than usual. His hands were shaking, but not from anxiety— he hardly felt anxious. Hardly felt anything but a weird detachment.

Ordinarily, he might’ve been pretty self-conscious about his clumsiness, but he simply didn’t care right now.

Keith didn’t feel completely… plugged in to reality. Like some sort of break had occurred. He was clinging to it still, but only by a thin thread.

Sandwich soon abandoned, he googled _ftm testosterone psychosis_ — and his fears that this was connected were not assuaged at all. Apparently, the testosterone could potentially worsen certain underlying mental illnesses, like bipolar disorder… or psychotic disorders.

_Shit._

Lance taking him home was a blur, but somehow he found himself snuggled up on the couch beside his boyfriend.

“Hey, Keith?” he asked, seeming a little nervous. “Did… something happen?”

“I think… I think I’m becoming psychotic.”

“What?” Lance looked alarmed.

“This morning, I… it wasn’t exactly a hallucination but I think it was close. I was having all these creepy, gory thoughts completely out of nowhere, and I didn’t _exactly_ see something that wasn’t there, but it was almost like I… sensed it. And I feel detached from reality, not for the first time but for the first time in years. I looked it up and supposedly T can make psychosis worse if you already have it or are predisposed to it, I guess, and that could also be why I feel like I can’t think as clearly lately, because that can happen.” He paused for breath. “Lance, I’m so scared.”

“I’m so sorry, baby— that sounds terrifying. Do you think we need to get you back in to see the doctor soon?”

“Maybe.” He sighed. “I dunno, can I figure that out later?”

“Of course.”

“I… Lance, this— this is the first time it’s been this obvious and frightening, but not the first time I’ve felt like this… I think maybe something has been there the whole time, and this just brought it to the surface.”

His boyfriend considered this for a moment, then pulled out his phone. “Okay, honey. So this is the first time you’ve had a possible hallucination, right?”

“I mean… as far as I know.”

“Okay.” He scrolled for a moment. “What about delusions?”

“Uh, define delusions.”

Lance ran through a few types and examples that didn’t apply, but when asked if he believed others could read his mind, Keith hesitated. _Oh._

_Oh shit._

“Yes,” he said quietly. “When I was younger… I thought that constantly, for years. I was always afraid that someone was listening to my thoughts, though who it was changed. I mean, I was fairly young, but I didn’t have any real reason to believe that, and I technically knew it wasn’t possible but that didn’t stop me believing it. I guess… eventually it went away, but… I mean— is that not normal?”

“I don’t know. I’m not a psychiatrist, I’m just googling it,” Lance pointed out. “But, I mean… I don’t think it’s super normal.”

“Are there any other types?”

“Okay, uh… delusions of reference… do you ever feel like events are being set up specifically for you? Like, I dunno, everything is being orchestrated especially for you, or like random things that happen are supposed to be sending you a message, or something?”

There was silence for a moment.

“What the fuck. Why the fuck are these accurate.”

“I guess maybe you do have these. Huh.”

“Is that it?”

“No.” Lance looked apologetic. They went through a few more that didn’t apply, but then— “Oh, it says this is the most common type: persecutory delusions. Not sure why they’d put the biggest one at the end,” he muttered. “Okay— oh, so this one sounds like paranoid schizophrenia or something, maybe. So, it can involve irrational feelings that you’re being followed, lied to, cheated on, ridiculed, poisoned, spied on, conspired against…”

_Wait a minute._

_Oh, no._

“Wait. If— if I’m always afraid people will go through my stuff, and have to position things specially so I’ll notice if they’re moved and am afraid to leave personal things unguarded… and I constantly think somehow other people in the building are monitoring everything I do on my phone or laptop— even though that doesn’t make any sense, I know— and using it to make fun of me behind my back over really stupid shit… and I feel like the government is watching me through the camera on my phone all the time, and like I’m being watched through secret cameras sometimes and laughed at for various things… are those, like, not normal?” Keith had a feeling he already knew the answer, he just had never thought about it before.

“I don’t think they are, baby.” He looked so scared.

“Please don’t be afraid of me. Please don’t hate me, please don’t think I’m a freak, I’m sorry— I don’t know where these thoughts come from, they’ve just always been there and I’m so so sorry please don’t hate me—”

“Hey.” Lance embraced him tightly, the pressure calming him down a bit. “I could never hate you, Keith. And I’m not afraid of you at all, I’m just worried about you. I don’t want you to be suffering from something possibly serious alone, and I feel guilty that I had no idea. I just want you to be safe and happy, okay?”

“I know.” He took a few deep breaths. “I’m sorry.”

“No need.”

“So am I like, schizophrenic, then?” _On top of everything else?_

“Not necessarily.” Lance was looking at his phone again, Keith still clinging to him like a lifeline. “I mean, it’s possible, but apparently other mental illnesses can cause psychosis too.”

“Like what?”

“Like… oh, shit. ‘Approximately 65% of individuals with psychosis have experienced childhood trauma…’ blah blah blah… ‘the relationship appears to be dose-dependent in which multiple traumatic life events accumulate, compounding symptom expression and severity.’ Wait, shit. So like, I think it’s saying more trauma makes the risk worse?”

“Goddamnit.” Keith huffed out a weak laugh. “This shit just keeps fucking me over, doesn’t it.”

“Apparently it can also happen sometimes in depression, bipolar, borderline, PTSD, and dissociative disorders— though a lot of those are only when under extreme stress. This is a pretty stressful time, though, so…”

He laughed again. “My whole life has been a pretty stressful time.”

Lance looked sad.

“It’s okay, you can laugh.”

After another moment, he did laugh faintly, then tossed his phone aside and hugged Keith tighter. “We’re gonna get through this together, baby,” he assured him, holding him close until he somehow felt safe enough to drift off.

——————————

Keith woke up from his nap in pain, and lay there suffering for several minutes, unsure of what to do.

“Daddy?” he asked softly, finally tugging at Lance’s sleeve.

Knowing Keith only called him that in littlespace when he was feeling especially vulnerable and in need of care, Lance gave him his full attention right away. “Hey, sweetheart. Your head feeling any better?”

“Sorta.”

“Well, that’s good at least.” He smiled. “Do you need anything, honey?”

“Daddy… it hurts.”

Lance looked worried. “What hurts, baby?”

“Everything.”

“Everything how, baby? Can you try to be a little more specific? Just so I know how to help you.”

Keith scrunched up his face in thought. “My… muscles hurt. And my— my joints. It just aches all over. And my tummy and chest hurts… and… uh…” He quickly caught himself before saying something that might be inappropriate, not wanting to get in trouble.

“Oh, no.” Lance pulled Keith carefully onto his lap, rocking slightly to soothe him. “Poor baby. Okay, so your joints, muscles, tummy and chest… anything else? You said ‘and.’”

“Nothing.”

“Hey, whatever it is, you don’t need to be embarrassed, okay? You can tell me anything.” When Keith shook his head, he added, “Are you having pain in your private area, honey? You don’t have to tell me, but I need you to know that you can.”

Burying his rapidly heating face in Lance’s chest, he mumbled a yes and an apology.

“Baby, there’s no need to be sorry. It’s just part of your body, and if you’re having pain I don’t want you to feel like you have to suffer in silence.”

“I shouldn’t talk about that.” He stifled a little noise of distress. “Please don’t be mad at me. I’m sorry, Daddy.”

“I’m not mad at all, honey.”

“It hurts.” Keith whimpered, clinging to him even more tightly.

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Can you… check and make sure it’s okay?”

“You mean you want me to look at what hurts?”

He nodded, unable to meet Lance’s eyes.

“Okay, I can do that. If you’re sure you’re comfy with it.”

“Yeah.”

“Alright, sweetie. You wanna get undressed real quick then?”

“Don’t look yet.” Lance turned around, and Keith pulled off his clothes and underwear, needing someone else to look at everything that was happening _so fast_ and reassure him it was going okay.

Before telling Lance he could look, he looked at himself in the full-length mirror on the door for a moment.

He still looked all wrong, and now he felt all wrong, too. The frustration almost made him want to cry.

Weirdest of all, his chest was swelling up and aching; it had started yesterday and gotten worse. That wasn’t supposed to happen at _all_.

After another moment, he turned his head away, hating how it looked, and came back to lie down on the bed. “Okay, you can look now.”

Lance turned around, and Keith instinctively looked away, blushing. “Okay, baby. What do you want me to look at first?”

“Don’t know.” He still felt like he might start crying any minute.

Lance paused for a moment, considering. “Do you think it’ll help if I sort of, like, explain to you what’s going on with your body?”

Keith blinked. Something inside was nagging that he _knew_ already, that he was being stupid… but he wanted it explained in terms he could handle right now. He wanted the comfort of someone helping him through this, the way no one had been there to do the first time around. “Okay.”

“Great.” Moving up closer to his shoulders, Lance began massaging them gently, easing some of the pain a little bit. Slowly, Keith allowed himself to relax into the touch. Honestly, none of the pains were agonizing or anything to begin with, but they were a lot on his hyperactive senses, especially all at once.

“Okay, baby, so first of all, your muscles and joints are hurting because they’re growing. You might get just a little taller, and your muscles are gonna get bigger.”

“Like a superhero?”

Lance chuckled at Keith’s excitement, leaning down to kiss his forehead. “Yeah, cutie. You’re gonna get big and strong.”

He relaxed further at that, feeling a little better.

“And you’ve probably had these pains before, right? When you’ve, uh, had growth spurts and stuff in the past.”

“Oh. Yeah.”

“Feeling better about that?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Good. Okay, so next you said your tummy’s hurting, right?”

“Mhm.”

“Here or here?” Lance first placed a hand just below Keith’s ribcage, then on his lower abdomen.

“Second one.”

Lance moved down to gently kiss his bare stomach. “Aw, poor thing. When does it hurt? All the time?”

“Sometimes just… ’cause. But mostly after I, uh…” He couldn’t meet Lance’s eyes.

“What, sweetie?”

“After I… touch myself. M’sorry.”

“Baby, hey, don’t apologize.” He gently tapped at Keith’s chin, encouraging his boy to face him. “That’s totally okay. You don’t need to feel weird about it, it’s totally natural and I’m not mad. You should always feel comfortable telling me what’s hurting, okay?”

“… Okay,” Keith said finally, not without a tone of suspicion.

“Good.” Lance smiled a little sadly at him. “You’re so wonderful, Keith. Please don’t ever feel bad about yourself. I love you so much.”

“Love you too, Daddy.”

There was a brief, contented silence.

“Okay, sweetheart. So, your tummy might be cramping there if it’s close to your, uh… time of the month.”

Keith whimpered.

“Don’t worry, that’s going away soon, honey. This might be one of the last times, though, if it would’ve been close to it, and that could be causing it. But,” he continued, “it could also be from your new medicine, sweetie. You’re going through a lot of changes, and some of the organs in there might not be too happy about them, but as long as we make sure to see the doctor regularly and keep an eye on things, it’s not gonna hurt you.” He paused. “Well, I mean, it might _feel_ painful, but it’s not necessarily dangerous. Let me know if it keeps up, though— we might need to go to your doctor again and see if you need to take anything else to make it feel better.”

“Okay.” Keith hesitated for a moment. “Daddy…”

“Yeah, baby?”

“It really hurts, um… down there.”

“Oh, sweetheart.” Lance ran a gentle hand through his hair, looking worried.

“Can you check on it?”

Lance looked hesitant. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, no problem then.” He moved down to take a look between Keith’s legs, gently nudging his boy to part them enough that he could see what was going on. “You okay with touch here for a second, baby?”

“… Just be careful.”

“I will.”

Keith shivered a little from some combination of pleasure and embarrassment and oversensitivity as Lance gently examined his private parts.

“Okay, honey, so you do have some changes down here.”

“I do?”

“Don’t worry,” Lance assured him quickly at his panicked expression. “It’s nothing bad, sweetie.”

“What’s going on?”

“Well, uh… first of all, your penis is gonna be growing and developing as well, honey, that’s why there’s some pain and discomfort there. I know sometimes it’s pretty uncomfy when your body goes through big changes, especially if you have really sensitive… senses, like you and I do. And if there’s a lot going on at once.” Lance stroked his hair gently, and he leaned eagerly into the touch. “I know this is a really difficult, confusing time, sweetheart. I want you to know that you can always come to me with any questions you have, or anytime you need help or advice with anything— or even just someone to talk to. Can you promise me you’ll tell me if you need anything?”

“Okay. Promise.” He actually managed a smile, feeling a lot safer. “Thanks, Daddy.”

“Of course, baby. I love you so much.”

“Love you too.” Keith hesitated shyly for a moment before adding, “Did it change a lot already? Down— down there?” He wasn’t quite sure why that thought had him so intrigued— excited, even.

Lance smiled at him. “A bit, baby. It’s not gonna be a drastic change overnight, but it’s definitely grown somewhat already. Does it feel very different?”

Keith nodded.

“In a good way?”

“Sort of… some feels really good, some hurts or feels weird.”

“Okay. Well, keep an eye on it for sure, and let me know if the pain is really bad or not going away.”

“Mkay.”

“You’re also probably going to need to start cleaning a little differently down there, so nothing builds up under the foreskin.”

“Oh.” Dimly, Keith was aware that he already knew this, but he pushed it aside. It was better hearing things from Lance than having to research it all on his own.

“If you need any help figuring it out, you can talk to me.”

“No, I can do it, but it’s just— it’s too sensitive there to touch like that.”

“Oh. Yeah, that makes sense. Ha— _sense_.” They both giggled for a moment, then Lance frowned. “But I guess there’s gotta be a way around that, right? You can’t be the only one who feels this way.”

“Do I have to start already?”

“I don’t think so, baby. Don’t worry, we have time to figure it all out. I didn’t mean to make you worry, it’s all gonna be okay.” He paused. “You feeling any better about that?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Good. Now, what else… your chest, right?” He moved back up to sit next to Keith, placing his hands on the boy’s chest. “Oh, it does feel really swollen here. Is it hurting a lot?”

“Daddy.” Keith was frozen.

“Is something wrong, baby?”

“No— no touching there, please.”

Lance jerked his hands away immediately, looking horrified. “Oh my god, I’m so, so sorry. I should have asked.”

Keith rolled over onto his side, curling almost into a fetal position. He felt so exposed suddenly, and he hated it.

“I’m so sorry, baby. I wasn’t thinking. Is there anything I can do?”

“S’my fault,” he mumbled, fighting tears.

“No, it isn’t,” Lance said sternly but kindly. “It’s mine. I shouldn’t have touched you there without asking for your consent, especially since that’s something we don’t normally do and it’s a very… intimate area.”

“I’m not mad at you!”

“I’m mad at myself.”

“Please don’t be.” Tears blurred Keith’s vision. “I don’t want you to feel bad, please. I’m sorry. I love you so much.”

Lance sighed. “Okay, you’re right, that isn’t going to help. But I know that wasn’t okay, and I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do to help you feel better right now?”

“Just give me a few minutes to get dressed… and then can we snuggle? And can I have some milk?” He was sliding in and out of littlespace somewhat erratically now, and felt kind of weird about the request but wanted it nonetheless. Keith had never had a very stable divide between his normal and little headspaces, so they could shift back and forth very rapidly, especially when he was agitated.

“Of course, baby. I’ll go get it.”

“Daddy?” A thought had occurred to him.

“Yes, baby?”

“Can you diaper me?”

Lance looked a little surprised, but didn’t voice it. “Of course, sweetie.” He left to get the supplies, and Keith put on his shirt and sweatshirt again, leaving his pants and underwear off. He felt a bit better with his chest buried under the baggy layers of fabric.

When Lance returned, he lovingly and carefully diapered him, making sure to ask permission for each little touch. After the diaper was on, he helped him into some cozy pajama pants, and then pulled Keith onto his lap to give him his bottle.

After that, they watched some lighthearted shows together on Lance’s laptop, cuddling on the bed. Keith wasn’t fully in littlespace anymore, but he was still content to lie there in his diaper, sucking on his pacifier, watching something calming and carefree as his boyfriend carded gentle fingers through his hair and pressed occasional kisses to his head. His life might have been scary and painful for as long as he could remember, but with Lance he knew was safe— and the rest could work itself out.


End file.
